the following is a censored vent.
i want to get worse. i want to get XXXXXXX like i did when i was XX. im so fucked up but i cant XXXX XXXXXX because people believe me to be a good person and think i should live but i shouldnt. i want to get worse. i wish i was worse. i wish i had too many mental illnesses to the point everyone would worry about me. i wish i was so sick. i wish i could get help. i want to get worse. i wish i was sick enough for people to realize im a bad person and i have no redeeming qualities. i XXXX XXX to borderline XXXX XXXX theyre all cute anime girls and i think nothing of it but i know in the back of my head that im a sick fuck. i wish i was XXXX. i wish no one knew me or saw my face in anyway. or better yet, i wish i was exposed for the horrible cretin i really am and was thrown in a mental hospital for the rest of my life, rotting away with minimal food. i wish no one had met me and gotten to know the idea of me. im a horrible person. god i have tears in my eyes because i want the reader to feel bad for me. you there the reader yes im talking to you what im doing right now is called lying for attention. its called false narration or whatever the fuck and ive been guilty since the day i was born. read this not to feel bad for me or understand me. i deserve to be locked in a cage and observed. tested on. pondered on. because i am a special case of fucked up. no one will ever understand me and thats a good thing, because if someone understood me theyd be a horrible person too. ive always """struggled""" with self worth because deep down i know the truth that i am irredeemable filth. that i want pity disorders, disorders that make others feel bad for you and think, "well i hope they get better...!" i will never get better but ill never get worse.
"I can't convince myself to go to therapy when I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I'd rather keep this up until I blow my cover and someone takes me to the emergency room."
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